IT FEELS LIKE TODAY

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you've stumbled upon my diary...and you're allowed to read it

this is an experiment. you are all welcome to read it and i welcome your thoughts on my thoughts or your thoughts about anything really. my favorite question these days is: "what's on your mind?"

(i haven't quite figured this out: are online journals/blogs cool? cool people that i know have them. cool people that i know roll their eyes at mention of them.)

i officially associate myself with the former but i also provide some justification to the latter (because i hope they will read this too):

1) one of my bestest friends jenni moved away last august. she might come back eventually, she might not. she has a "normal" work week, free time in the evenings and on weekends. i have a very "non-normal" work week. most of my work is done in the evenings and on the weekends. it has been hard to stay in touch, and we talk less than we'd like. i sent her an email today, because i'd had this breakthrough, and it made me sad, because i realized i couldn't just tell her about the breakthrough without giving lots of background. we never used to say "let me give you some background." i guess i'm hoping she'll read this and that other people whom i never see (like my mom and dad and my brother and my cousin susannah and my fake-sis ari and my fake-mom linn and there are others too) will be able to say, "i know what's on meghan's mind these days" and we won't have to spend hours providing background. isn't that what makes long-distance friendships so hard? all the background you miss? this is not by any means a substitute for the real thing--real togetherness. i would like to live someplace where colorado and africa and michigan and philly and california and florida are all there, each in its own way, and everybody's getting to follow their dreams, but we can do it together. maybe that's heaven. this is just an attempt to "think aloud" in a way that perhaps all of you could "hear." it's nice--i can picture all of you.

2) i'm having a bit of a wrestling match with my small self. there is this tension between being known and remaining unknown. it is quite possibly the fundamental tension of my life. this diary is an experiment, because i'm trying to understand what true knowing is. i will write more about this later, so that it will be more clear, but for now, i'd like you to know me in small ways. it's ok if you don't always read the entries, it's ok if you misunderstand me. i will do my best to be transparent and i will do my best not to put my best foot forward all the time. also, the experiment might prove that online journals aren't for me, in which case, it will be great to find time to provide background for each of you at different times, because you're worth it.

3) i need to work on my writing, not too seriously. but i just need to keep writing or i'm gonna lose everything i learned in college. heaven forbid.

if you find you have time to read my journal, please do, and if you have even more extra time, please let me know what you're thinking (about life, about the world, about God). i'm all about connection these days.

5:15 pm - 11.11.2005

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there's music playing: de madera

i'm reading: an american childhood by annie dillard