IT FEELS LIKE TODAY

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

can i get a little heaven, please?

this is an addendum to yesterday's entry. i needed to acknowledge what was going on in my heart--that loss that was making me cry. i'm feeling better about it today...

i wrote this on september 23, 2005:

i need magic in my life.

i need a room with a fire
and a piano--an old one--
and someone to play softly on it.

i need a snowfall at midnight
or late afternoon when i'm just
stepping onto the porch, i'm
just standing at the door, watching,
listening, and my boots crunch
on the mat and my eyes get melted
snow in them and i think i need
the blast of heat coming from
the vent.

i need the high point of a high
country meadow and there's
actually wind and music whipping
around me and it's not just a
beautiful vista with aspens and long
grass.

i need the tinny sound of a music
box playing christmas carols and
that one song that will probably
play in my ears while i'm dying--
mournful and sweet and not bereft of
hope.

i need sweet corn and burgers and the
feel of the puffy, plastic pool floor
on my feet as i bounce in the
water. i need to know my parents
are sitting in those lounge chairs and
they probably have popsicles for
us.

i'm 22 and i feel like my whole life is over.
go ahead and play the song.

i wrote this on october 13, 2005:

"i know why i�m so scared to meet God, to go to God, now�it�s because I�m always so positive that it�s not gonna be what I want it to be: heaven. faith is becoming harder and harder for me, probably because it�s actually becoming faith. i�m choosing not to fabricate experience, but i�m still longing for it."

i wrote this today:

Jesus� blood never fails me, no matter when or where, no matter how mundane. His blood never fails me, in the midst of details, in the midst of dead magic, in the midst of heavenlessness.

the gospel means that i am in the world but not of it. the gospel means that this isn�t as good as it gets. it gets a lot more real, a lot more full, a lot more everything i�ve wanted more of. i am a long-er. i am a yearner. it�s all i do. the gospel means that every day is a step closer to the destination. the gospel means that everyday i will be able to experience God a little more fully. the gospel means sanctification and sanctification means coming alive one day at a time. a little more feeling coming back. a little more light on the dark parts.

"he stretches out the north
over empty space
and hangs the earth on nothing
and how faint a word we even hear of him
and yet our eyes and ears and minds
get all the candy.

so i'll sing for grace,
for grace, it lets me sing,
and all i've ever seen or heard
or haven't seen or heard,
it says, 'there is no other.'
and all of this is but the fringes."

-shane & shane

2:01 pm - 01.06.2006

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

there's music playing: shane & shane

i'm reading: my journal

previous - next